Chief Emotional Officer | Queen of the Couch | Treat Portfolio Manager
"Behind every great portfolio manager is a wiener dog managing HIS portfolio of emotions."
Dachshund (Standard)
Also known as: Wiener Dog, Sausage Dog, Hot Dog on Legs, Dennis's Boss
Chief Emotional Officer
Manages Dennis's work-life balance through strategic nap scheduling and mandatory play breaks
Charlotte, North Carolina
Where the treats are plentiful and the couches are prime real estate
Emotional Intelligence
Can detect sadness from 3 rooms away. Will fix with cuddles. Success rate: 100%
Nap-Work-Nap Balance
18 hours sleep, 4 hours eating, 2 hours chaos
Perfect Attendance
Never missed a meal. Ever. In her entire life.
Can hear a treat bag opening from another zip code. Scientifically proven.
Territorial control of all horizontal surfaces. Strategic pillow positioning. Blanket hoarding.
"I have NEVER been fed" - Heidi, 5 minutes after eating. Works every time.
Meal times are EXACT. Deviations not tolerated. Will remind you. Loudly.
Squeaky toys, plush toys, rope toys. Never put all your eggs (or toys) in one basket.
Can make leaving for work look like a Shakespearean tragedy. Emmy-nominated.
Stare at Dennis until he wakes up. If that fails, gentle paw to the face. If THAT fails, not-so-gentle paw.
The most important meal of the day. Consumed in 14 seconds flat.
Check all windows for squirrels. Issue warning barks as needed. Maintain perimeter security.
Additional treats required. Don't ask questions. Just comply.
Critical thinking happens during sleep. Strategic dreaming about squirrels and treats.
Monitor Dennis's lunch. Provide support (staring intensely). Quality control (taste testing).
Supervise Dennis's work. Offer moral support. Demand belly rubs. Strategic toy squeaking during important calls.
The SECOND most important meal of the day. Begin reminders at 5:00 PM sharp.
Couch time. Dennis's lap is the throne. TV watching (judge all animal actors). Snuggle enforcement.
Negotiate for bedtime treats. Deploy maximum cuteness. Victory is inevitable.
Claim 75% of the bed. Arrange blankets to exact specifications. Accept goodnight pets.
Sleep deeply. Dream of conquests. Occasionally adjust sleeping position (entire bed reconfiguration required).
"Diversification is key. Diversify your nap locations: couch, bed, other couch, sun spot, Dennis's lap."
"The early dog gets the treat. And the second treat. And actually all the treats."
"Risk management means never leaving treats unguarded on the coffee table."
"Long-term thinking: Store treats in various locations. You never know when the apocalypse might come."
"If you can't explain your investment thesis to a wiener dog, it's too complicated."
"The best returns come from emotional investments. Like the return on belly rubs."
Discover why wiener dogs are the superior life form.